A Bisexual Woman's Push for Mixed-Orientation Marriage Support
When Jess Marlow came out to her husband of eleven years, the confession she had rehearsed for months collapsed into a single sentence across their kitchen counter in suburban Adelaide. He did not leave. Instead, he asked what the words actually meant, and she could not find a script to borrow. Within six months, Marlow had founded Mixed Orientation Marriages Australia, a peer-run network hosting monthly online circles and regional meet-ups in Brisbane and Perth.
Mixed-orientation marriages, sometimes shortened to MOMs, are partnerships in which spouses identify with different sexual orientations. They sit at a complicated crossroads between the broader LGBTQ community and the heterosexual families that surround them, and are frequently invisible in both. Mainstream queer narratives tend to end at coming out and divorce, while straight-led relationship counselling rarely has the vocabulary to describe what it feels like to honour a decade of shared history.
For Australian readers, the country's own history makes the conversation feel familiar. The 2017 marriage equality postal survey, debated on front porches across Melbourne's inner suburbs, reshaped how households talked about orientation. Community organisations such as Minus18, Twenty10 and ACON have long supported queer young people, but resources aimed specifically at spouses renegotiating long-term commitments have lagged. Marlow's experience offers a blueprint that other Australian women have begun to copy.
When a Marriage Outlasts a Closet
The day Marlow told her husband, she had packed an overnight bag and parked it by the front door. She had told her therapist that morning she was ready to lose everything if it meant finally telling the truth. Instead, her husband made tea and asked whether the marriage still had room for the relationship she had just described. That question became the group's unofficial motto.
The early years were harder than Marlow had imagined. She expected relief and instead felt a dull grief for years lost to silence, mixed with guilt for the years she still wanted to spend with her husband. Her queer friends in Adelaide, most met at Adelaide Feast Festival events, were supportive but cautious. Several admitted privately they did not know how to counsel a friend who had chosen to stay.
The most disorienting feeling was that her identity did not change even as her relationships did. She was still bisexual, her husband was still the man she had married. What shifted was the language available to describe both at once.
From Kitchen Table to Community Network
The first meeting took place in Marlow's living room in March 2020, just days before Australia's international borders closed. Six women sat on folding chairs around a coffee table stacked with homemade slice. Three were out to their husbands, two had been out for years but never connected with another woman in a long-term heterosexual partnership, and one had driven four hours from rural South Australia to attend.
Within twelve months the group had outgrown Marlow's home and moved online, where Zoom circles replaced folding chairs. The forum Marlow had set up as a backup became the backbone of the network. By 2022 there were quarterly brunches in Brisbane's West End, a book club in Melbourne's Fitzroy, and the first in-person Sydney gathering hosted above a pub on Oxford Street.
Growth was not always smooth. Several early members left after feeling the group was too focused on marital preservation. Marlow rewrote the welcome materials to make clear that the network welcomed people staying, leaving, or simply trying to decide.
Inside the Group Format
Each monthly circle follows a loose template refined over five years. The first thirty minutes are reserved for introductions and a check-in, with a designated facilitator ensuring everyone who wants to speak gets the floor. The middle portion rotates through themed discussions drawn from a list maintained by the volunteer committee.
A licensed counsellor in Perth supervises the program and steps in when a member's story crosses into territory that peer support cannot safely hold. Members in Cairns and Hobart travel hours for in-person sessions and rely on the online forum to bridge the gaps between visits.
Outside formal circles, the forum operates as a slow-moving but constant conversation. Threads drift between heavy emotional processing and lighter exchanges about parenting, work-life balance, and recommendations for queer-friendly family lawyers. Marlow describes the tone as the online equivalent of a long-running neighbourhood verandah.
Australian Parallels and Local Anchors
Australia's LGBTQ community has its own growing literature on mixed-orientation marriages, and Marlow's group has become a quiet reference point. In Melbourne, the annual Midsumma Festival has hosted panel discussions featuring couples navigating different orientations. In Sydney, ACON's community programmes now include a peer-led stream for spouses and partners.
The cultural context matters. Australia hosts the long-running Midsumma Carnival in Melbourne's Alexandra Gardens, Mardi Gras in Sydney's Oxford Street and Darlinghurst, and a smaller but passionate Brisbane Pride drawing tens of thousands to the riverfront each September. These gatherings have helped Australians grow comfortable with queer visibility, but visibility does not always reach inside the home.
The broader cultural shift has also opened up creative projects, from queer mural projects to literature published by smaller Australian presses centring bisexual characters in long-term heterosexual partnerships. Local businesses have begun offering space and resources to fill the gap.
Stigma Within Stigma
Few stories travel as far as the ones about the stigma members describe. Inside the LGBTQ community, women in mixed-orientation marriages sometimes report being told they are not queer enough, or that by staying married they are doing the work of heteronormativity from the inside.
Outside the community, they are often assumed to be straight allies, which can feel like a second erasure. Bisexual women in particular describe a pressure to choose between two worlds. The dismissive shorthand of "straight-passing" obscures the daily negotiation that follows disclosure after children and a decade of shared friends.
The toll is real. Several members have spoken publicly about depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation in the early months after coming out. Marlow's network does not pretend to solve these problems. It simply guarantees that the people who show up will not have to describe their situation from scratch.
Beyond the Annual Pride Parade
Marlow is the first to admit that support groups alone cannot carry the weight that mainstream institutions have shed. Mental health services across Australia remain under strain, and waiting lists for queer-affirming therapists in regional New South Wales and Tasmania can stretch beyond six months. Her group has responded by training volunteer listeners who can hold space between professional appointments.
Across the broader sector, organisers are beginning to recognise that the annual festival calendar is no longer enough. The shift toward year-round community programming has been particularly visible in regional towns, where a single Mardi Gras visit a year cannot substitute for ongoing connection. Marlow's monthly circles fit neatly into this trend.
The next chapter, according to Marlow, involves university partnerships to research long-term outcomes of peer support for MOMs. A pilot study is underway at La Trobe University, with early findings suggesting that members attending at least three consecutive circles report measurable improvements in relationship satisfaction and personal wellbeing.
A snapshot of support options for spouses and partners navigating mixed-orientation marriages:
| Resource | Format | Primary Audience |
|---|---|---|
| Mixed Orientation Marriages Australia | Monthly online circles, regional meet-ups, private forum | Bisexual adults and spouses in MOMs |
| ACON Spouse and Partner Programme | Peer support, referrals, occasional workshops | Spouses and partners across NSW |
| Minus18 QHub | Online resources, school-based programmes | LGBTQ young people aged 12-25 |
| La Trobe University MOMs Pilot | Research cohort, structured interviews | Mixed-orientation spouses in research programme |
| North American MOMs Alliance | Online forum, annual conference | Spouses and partners in North America |
For Australian readers who recognise themselves in Marlow's story, the next intake opens on the first Wednesday of each month at 7.30 pm AEST. The August cohort includes a dedicated stream for women in regional Queensland, New South Wales and Western Australia, with subsidised access for members who would otherwise be priced out of online support. Registration requires a short intake call with a volunteer listener who matches newcomers to circles by time zone and stage of disclosure.